The other night we went to a fashion show at the Aussie High Commission. It was my very first "professional" fashion show, and while I know it seemed sub standard to the veterans I really enjoyed it. Wine, finger food, fashion, talking to lots of "important" people who really are just normal people with more resources... it was glamorous and fun, I felt sexy and special and important.

And it was fun to get to introduce Jebnni to that kind of event for the first time too. I mean, first fashion show for us both, but not my first diplomatic-ish formal-ish event, and it was cool to see her seeing it for the first time. Made me feel like its not all difficult, hard stuff for her.

And I realised I love this lifestyle. I love the travel, I love the glamour, I love the increased sense of importance (even if it is an illusion) and I realised I don't want to give that up. And for awhile, I thought "oh no! I have to choose between saving the world and getting to have a great time living a life of luxury iun heels that killed my feet but made me look damn hot."

But then I realised I don't. I can use things like this that I have now to start building my network, so that when I am ready to start saving the world, I still have contacts to get invites, and also have friends in high places who owe me a favor or two.

I feel inspired and excited.

I am facing a conundrum. I am trying very hard to stop thinking so badly of myself and to stop taking things so personally, etc.

Here's the thing though. My feelings are what they are. I don't ask for them and I can't stop them from appearign. All I can do is enjoy the happy ones and try to help ease/solve/etc the negative ones. But in trying to stop myself from feeling bad (and other people trying o stop me from thinking bad things about me) I am actually feeling worse. See, I have the original bad feeling, and then I have me feeling bad about feeling bad as well. Double whammy.

So, what to do? I don't want people upset because of how I think of myself, and I don't want to be negative, and yet, everything I try to ease that just makes it worse.

A meme of great Joy
1. Grab the nearest five books.
2. Open them to page 96.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for those "cool" or "intellectual" books in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

1. 'I don't know where they get the money,' Mrs Hayes said one day to Maura. 'They can't be doing that much business, nothing that would warrant the kind of showing off they're doing.' Maura said nothing. She thought Mrs Hayes was the kind of wife who might well disapprove of Gloria's low-cut blouses and winning ways with the men of Shancarrig. -From Maeve Binchy's The Copper Beech

2. Two handlers, looking a little smudged and dusty from the long day, were standing by with their arms folded doing their best to fade into the white walls. And in front of the desk a girl, in a short, belted, white terry-cloth robe, sat sobbing theatrically, pounding her knee with her fist. "Miss Teenage America," Richardsaid, "The doctors say she's not a day over seventeen." If it hadn't been for the squabble over Elliott, I would surely have remembered her from the receiving hall, luscious breasts bulging against the the sagging lapel of the robe, and long, exquisitely sculpted legs. -From Anne Rice's Exit to Eden

3. I could not contest any of that. I wanted to disagree, to summon up a hundred instances of subtle Eastern interference with Western trade, but just then I could not offer even one. Believe me Horatius, at that moment I found myself quite unable to understand why I had ever conceived such a mistrust of Greek intentions. They are indeed our cousins I told myself. -From Robert Silverberg's Roma Eterna

4. I'd never kept that aspect of my life from him. But neither had I ever expected him to bring it up in this way, as an accusation. "Don't you ever want more from a woman than that?" he demanded. "something... beautiful? Something that lasts forever?" -From Thomas H Cook's Places in the Dark

5. "There's something a bit off about him," Flangers said out of the corner of his mouth. Irisis looked back but the spy was already standing at the base of the drop, as if he'd floated down. He brushed past, taking the lantern. "He's a strange one," she said quietly. "His work is always flawless, but he hasn't a friend in the world unless you count Flydd. -From Ian Irvine's Alchymist

Everyone here is sick. So, they are sleeping and we are trying to distract ourselves. Fun. Been quilting alot, but fingers are sore so need a break. Think I'll go play pirates.

we dids wach da cars moovee tanit an it bez rely good we liks it lots an tink it bez funy an den we gots uno cards :D dat hapy to

Type your cut contents here.

1. 4th grade teacher's name: Mrs. Cole

2. Last words you said to dad: I think it was "I love you, talk soon"

3. Last song you sang: I'm always singing so I can't remember really

4. Last person you hugged: Jenni

5. Last thing you laughed at: Andrew dancing

6. Last time you said I love you and meant it: um, sometime earlier today

7. Last time you cried: Maybe a week ago?

9. What color socks are you wearing: Socks? In India?! HA!!

10. What's under your bed: Dust and an invisible bear

11. What time did you wake up today: 9 ish

12. Current Taste: Popcorn shortly...

13. Current hair: Red, Dark Red with brown highlights

15. Current annoyance: Physio

16. Current longing: McDonald's hamburgers, mountains

17. Current desktop background: Sanrio Penguin King

26. If you could play any instrument: Guitar or Piano

27. Favorite color(s): Lime Green and Violet

29. How tall are you: 5'3''

30. Current favorite word/saying: You're scaring me a little bit right now

31. Favorite book: Hawk in Silver. (If anyone can find me a copy I'll love you forever!)

32. favorite season: Early spring

36. What is your career going to be like: Helpful, will fill a huge need and will be a positive form of revenge

37. How many kids do you want: Two, plus the two stepdaughters I have already

*HAVE YOU EVER...*

39. Said "I love you" : all the time

40. Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: I used to play-fight with my dogs

41. Been to New York: Not Yet

42. Been to Florida: Yes.

43. Been to California: Many times

44. Been to Hawaii: Not Yet.

45. Been to Mexico: Yes.

46. Been to China: not Yet

48. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Yes.

52. Do you have a crush on someone: I am secretly pining after Minx from PW

53. What book are you reading now? Eragon and Scarlet Feather

54. Worst feeling in the world: Any feelings associated with the bad people

55. What is the first thing you think when you wake up in the morning: um, this journal is accesible to minors so, I can't really answer that

56. How many rings before you answer: as many as it takes to get to it, but never less than 2

57. Future daughter's names: I have always liked Madison, but its not only my decision

58. Future son's names: Again, not only my choice but I have always like Hunter

59. What do you sleep with: Better question would be "who"

60. What do you wear to sleep in: Nothing, too hot at night

61. Where are you: The office/computer room

62. Where do you wish you were: Some fun place we haven't visited yet, with Andrew, Jenni and no phones or puters!

63. Piercings: Used to have ears, but none now


*THE EXTRA STUFF*

67. What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: Vive Smooth Intense and Vive Color Care

69. What clothes do you sleep in: Didn't I just answer this?

70. Who is the last person that called you: Andrew I think

71. Where do you want to get married: someplace small and quietish where everyone can get to (damn 3 continent problems)

72. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be: Fibromyalgia

73. Hate: Bad People.

74. Been In Love: Absolutely

75. Are you timely or always late: Prefer to be early but need help to accomplish it

76. Do you have a job: no

77. Do you like being around people: At times.

78. Best feeling in the world: falling asleep in the arms of the two people you care about most in the world

80. Are you a health freak: Um, I eat food, drink things, always breathe and walk around the house. Does that count?

81. Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after: No, not really

82. Are you lonely right now: Lonely no. Are there people I miss? of course.

86. Do you want kids: some day, when my loves are ready and I have let go of my grief enough to be a good mother

THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...*

87. Cried: No

88. Bought something: Shoes and groceries

89. Gotten Sick: headaches count?

90. Sang: yup

91. Said I Love You: Many many many times

92. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: Nope. Cuz I did.

94. Moved On: no, not really...

95. Talked to someone: Yes.

96. Hung out with someone: define "hung out"

97. Missed Someone: Yes.

98. Hugged Someone: Yes.

99. Yelled at Someone: No

100. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: No

Tonight was fun. Felt really really sexy which, have to admit is an unusual feeling for me. Enjoyed he embassy tonight emensely. Can't wait for rugby tomorrow.

On the flip side, I hate physio and my tooth hurts.

Five Positive Things:
1. Did physio, etc
2. Helped Jenni find shoes
3. Managed to feel good in my skin for an entire evening
4. Let the littles have some time
5. Made some new friends


So, overall, a good day.

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 95% Iron Man 95% Spider-Man 80% Hulk 75% Supergirl 62% Wonder Woman 62% Batman 60% Catwoman 60% Superman 55% The Flash 50% Robin 45%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

ok, not feeling so great right now. Really really hurting, but I feel like I have been whingeing so much about that lately that I don't want to say anything. Not like anyone can do anything anyway. Stupid body is falling apart.

And, also feeling a bit unproductive and down, so, going to start doing my 5 positive things I've done today lists again.

1. Went to physio, did my excercises and took my meds
2. Did some studying, even though I didn't have to
3. Made a savings plan for puzzle pirates
4. Helped Andrew with expenses
5. Updated my LJ :D

-How Bad am I?-
If you get over 45 you're considered a "bad kid."
In the total delete what it says and put in your total. Then add it up.


1) [x] smoked
2) [x] consumed alcohol
3) [x] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4) [x] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5) [x] kissed someone of the same sex
6) [x] had sex
7) [x] had someone in your room of the opposite sex
8) [x] watched porn
9) [x] bought porn
10)[x] done drugs

TOTAL: 10


11) [x] taken pain killers
12) [x] taken someone else's prescription medicine
13) [x] lied to your parents
14) [x] lied to a friend
15) [x] snuck out of the house
16) [x] done something illegal
17) [x] cut yourself
18) [X] hurt someone
19) [x] wished someone to die
20) [x] seen someone die

TOTAL: 10


21) [ ] missed curfew [I don't have a curfew?]
22) [x] stayed out all night
23) [ ] eatin a carton of ice cream by yourself
24) [ ] been to a therapist
25) [ ] been to rehab
26) [x] dyed your hair
27) [ ] recieved a ticket
28) [x] been in an accident
29) [x] been to a club
30) [x] been to a bar

TOTAL: 5


31) [x] been to a wild party
32) [ ] seen the Mardi Gras
33) [ ] tried to kill someone (marking no, because under duress doesn't count)
34) [ ] had a spring break in Florida
35) [x] sniffed anything
36) [x] wore black nail polish
37) [ ] wore arm bands
38) [ ] wore t-shirts with band names
39) [x] listened to rap
40) [ ] own 50 cent cd

TOTAL: 4


41) [x] dressed gothic
42) [x] dressed prep
43) [x] dressed punk
44) [x] dressed grunge
45) [x] stole something
46) [x] been too drunk to remember anything
47) [ ] blacked out
48) [ ] fainted
49) [ ] had a crush on your neighbour
50) [x] had someone sneak into your room

TOTAL: 7


51) [x] snuck into some one else's room
52) [ ] had a crush on your best friend's sib. (not BEST friend's...)
53) [x] been to a concert
54) [ ] dry humped someone
55) [x] been called a slut
56) [x] called someone a slut
57) [ ] installed speakers in your car
58) [x] broke a mirror
59) [x] showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
60) [ ] brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush

TOTAL: 6


61) [ ] consider ludacris your favorite rapper
62) [x] seen an R rated movie in theaters
63) [ ] cruised the mall
64) [x] skipped school
65) [x] had an eating disorder
66) [x] had an injury
67) [ ] gone to court
68) [ ] walked out of a resteraunt without paying
69) [x] caught something on fire
70) [x] lied about your age

TOTAL: 6


71) [ ] owned an apartment (never owned. rented a few though)
72) [x] cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend (depends on defintion of cheating)
73) [x] cheated with someone
74) [ ] got in trouble with the police
75) [x] talked to a stranger
76) [x] hugged a stranger
77) [ ] kissed a stranger
78) [x] rode in the car with a stranger
79) [x] been sexually harrassed (How does that make YOU bad?)
80) [x] been verbally harrassed (Again?)

TOTAL: 7


81) [x] met face to face with someone you met online
82) [x] stayed online for 12 hours straight (Pah. Beginner stuff.)
83) [x] talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight
84) [x] watched tv for 12 hours straight (when I was sick)
85) [x] been to a fair (and a Faire)
86) [x] been called a bad influence
87) [x] cursed (I think they mean cussed, but I have cursed too)
88) [x] prank called someone
89) [x] laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
90) [ ] cheated on a test

TOTAL: 9

91) [ ] cheated on homework
92) [x] held hands with someone of the same sex
93) [ ] pushed someone into a pool
94) [x] played pool
95) [ ] watched 5 hours of mtv straight
96) [x] had a crush on someone 8 years older than you
97) [x] had a crush on someone younger than you
98) [ ] wear eyeliner
99) [ ] skinny dipped
100) [ ] laughed at a retarded person in a wheelchair

TOTAL: 4

TOTAL TOTAL: 68 (and proud of it!)

ok so, I was thinking last night about why I get so upset over small things, and often end up hurting the people I love. What came to my mind was another imbalance. We don't get very upset at all about the "bad things".

Exploring that further, I think we are afraid to get upset about the big bad stuff. There is so much pain inside us, and fear, and other feelings, that if we let it out, it would become a flood that would wash us away.

But, when similar feelings come up about "now" stuff, we can attach some of those old feelings to it, so the flood happens but gets cut off when the problem is solved so we are safe.

So, obviously not a good way to do things, but, at least we know now.

In keeping with my attempt to start living for the positive stuff and working towards goals, I have decided to write my goals down. This way everyone knows and can help me keep on track. I have also decided its ok to dream big :)

I want Andrew, Jenni and I to be together and to make it all work. I know we can. Not necesarily right away, but I want to renew my vows to Andrew and make them to Jenni. I think part of me still wants the proposal and the big fancy wedding... (after all, I got my other 2 ideals, the heartbreaking deathbed vows and the all we need is love and I don't care what others think justice of the peace, so if we did that, I'd have all 3 scenarios I dreamed of as a kid, lol). I don't want to rush that, but I know it will happen when it is time.

I want kids. I want a better relationship with Andrew's girls and I want to have kids of my own. I want to memorialize my angels in a more permanent way and I want to make them part of our lives.

I want my degrees and I want to open my center. I believe now that it is possible and it is needed and I want to do it.

I want my health. I want to fix all the things that are wrong with my body and I want to get to a place where I am no longer in pain all the time.

I want healing and closure. Not sure yet how to do that, but I want it.

I think thats it for now :)

I grew up in the Christian church. We moved a lot so there were several churches, but mostly Baptist and Non-Denominational.
I genuinely believe in God (though my own version as you will find if you keep reading). I have felt his presence, others in here have been literally protected and comforted by angels and encountered him in heaven when we died for a few minutes. We have also seen the other side of the coin. We have seen demon possession, felt the presence of evil and been a victim of demonic rape.

For us, the real question of God has never been "Is there a God?". It has been what form does he take, what does he want and why do bad things happen? Let me first discuss what led to our questioning and then I will try to explain the answers we have found.

( Read more )

Just wanted to let everyone know that while LJ is my main journal I have decided to join the other main ones. My name will be Gobbies on all of them and all content will be cross posted.

I love rain. It makes me so happy. Everything so beautiful and clean. I love the way it looks, the way it feels, the way it smells.

Its monsoon season here so almost every afternoon we get about 20 minutes of torrential downpour. I've just come in from walking in it :)

Everyone looks at me like I'm crazy, but its so fun.

Ok, so, my knee is killing me and I have a really bad headache. Nothing unusual for me really. But its just making everything else so much more stressful. I need to clean house, but how can I do that when it hurts so much to even stand, let alone walk? Need to get going on school stuff but I can't until they answer me. Really need to have a session with Kathy, but she hasn't gotten back to me.

And my mind just won't stop. Going to all these weird (and stupid, and unhealthy) places.

Stopping now. Remember the new theory. Work on what you can, don't stress about the rest.

Jen (h)/Julia